Monday, July 5, 2010

Just a bit from my heart....

I can't believe I've found my dad. I've said this a million times, and it's a statement most people probably aren't surprised to hear. But I think unless you are standing in my shoes, you don't really GET the gravity of that statement.

When you go your whole life without having your biological father, he sort of becomes this dream. You know you SHOULD have a father, and that realistically there IS a person out there that helped create you. But you know nothing about him, you don't have a name or a face. You begin to wonder if maybe this is just some imaginary situation you've created in your head.

I after I got married and had kids, I always said I didn't need my father. I had my own family now, and I thought they filled the void in my heart that had existed for so long. My husband and I started some marriage counseling, and I had a few personal sessions on my own. It was through the work that I did with the counselor, that I came to realize I do need this. I do need to at least try. That taking this step, and doing this for ME, it will help heal other areas of my life, and help me be healthier for my marriage.

I am so grateful that I had this change of heart. I can remember being a little girl and being so sad when I'd go over to a friend's house and see them be close with their dads. All I ever wanted was to be a Daddy's Girl. I always wanted to feel that special bond.

I am so hopeful that my dad and I will get close. 27 years may have been missed out on, but I'm hoping that there are 27 more to fill with so many laughs, tears and memories. I have so much of my life left to share, and I can't wait to do that with my new branch on my family tree.

Sometimes when I get a text from him, it completely throws me for a loop. Something as small as seeing a contact listed as 'Dad' in my cell phone absolutely makes my day. I have a dad. I have a dad who is now a part of my life.

To be able to say that is absolutely AMAZING.

My Buddy and Me...

The drive back to Ohio was an awesome adventure. It was just the two of us in the car, with nothing better to do than talk. And talking is what we did. We shared more stories, experiences, anything that came to mind. We were just rediculously excited to be with each other.

That weekend we were attached at the hip. I drug him around town and showed him off to co-workers, friends, family. Of course there were those who didn't know the story, and that I was looking for family, so I would get super excited to tell the story again. It made me overjoyed to be able to share this story with everyone. A story I always dreamed I'd be able to tell.

The weekend came to a quick end. Before we knew it, it was time to take him back home. We had discussed our future. Since we were now a permanent fixture in each other's lives. He had to go back to his obligations with the military. The more and more time went on, he realized this was not what he wanted. He had a strong pull in his heart to be here, in Ohio. We talked all weekend about it. By the time I dropped him off back home in Tennessee, he was sure that the military was not for him. That he was going to get his ducks in a row, and that he would soon be back in Ohio for good.

I had always told him I didn't want to be the reason behind his decision. That whatever he did needed to be for him, and because it's what he wanted. I won't lie, I did tell him I'd love for him to move up here with me, and that if he went through with joining the military that I was saddened by the fact that this may be the first and last time we would have time to spend together for years. That thought was too much for me, and he soon realized it was too much for him too. Not only had we hit it off, but my kids loved him right off the bat. We also have family in the area, so that would be another plus.

We chatted with Dad for a while, about his feelings and his decision. Dad joked about me not bringing him back sooner - that he was shocked I hadn't gotten tired of him sooner. Yet again, I could not believe I was standing there with my Dad and brother. I couldn't believe, again, how quickly this happened, and how easily it had progressed. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to let them go. I was terrified that if they were not within arms reach, they'd change their mind and be gone from my life as quickly as they entered...

With lots of hugs, and many reassurances from him that he would be back, I got back into the car. It was a quick trip down and back, it had to be done in the same day. It was one of the most painful moments of my life. I cried as I drove away. It took everything in me to drive the car down the road and get on the highway. I wanted to turn around and run back to them. My brother says the same thing about that moment. He cried as I drove away, and wished with everything in him that I'd turn around and demand that he come back with me right then and there.

There were a few phone calls, and many texts during the drive home. As much as we were saddened with the day's departure, we were alive with excitement for his return.